House of the Dead

I've seen a lot of tough movies in my short career as a movie critic, simply the video-game-inspired House of the Dead poses a new challenge. I finger a typical review would do small or no good. You�ve seen the commercials with a cluster of young people firing endless rounds into zombies. Well, that�s the flick, minus DMX�s rapping. Sure, there ar a couple of unornamented breasts here and there, but what you see in those 90-second floater is what�s waiting for you at the multiplex.


There�s nothing of substance to discuss. All I accept is a lot of hatred welling inside of me. So, I figured a timeline would work, that way I canful see what went untimely. I didn�t have a watch on me at the cover, but I figured since time passed so slowly, my estimates are pretty accurate


9:35 p.m.�Credits roll. Clint Howard gets third charge. I already don�t find good.


9:37 p.m.�We�re introduced to five characters, who the narrator informs us, will all be dead at the end of the night. Gee, nice way to maintain suspense.


9:46 p.m.�The five characters -- the narrator isn�t among them -- are off to a rave on an island. Now, I�m non a club kid, just raves aren�t held during the day, are they? And do they commonly have corporate sponsorship? (In this case it�s Sega, the makers of the video game that�s the basis for this motion-picture show.)


9:49 p.m.�J�rgen Prochnow plays the ship�s captain. His key? Captain Kirk.


9:56 p.m.�Zombies seem. In a shameless promotional stunt that continues throughout the flick, random clips of the aforementioned video game appear during near of the attacks. The movie is as close to being a commercial for the damned game without itemization store locations and holiday prices.


10:01 p.m.�Three of the characters meet up with three early characters, including the storyteller. (The pic never gives any of these people a personality, so what incentive do I have to do so?) It is explained that zombies stormed the rave �and killed everyone.� One character shows a picture event of the attack, which is so seamless and steady you would have thought Haskell Wexler was the DP.


10:09 p.m.�In his recap of the new Texas Chainsaw Massacre, my honored colleague Sean O�Connell acutely observed that the cast looked too pumped up and pretty to look scared. House of the Dead is another classical example. Everyone looks like they have a Soloflex and uses it regularly.


10:13 p.m.�Coast guard officer appears. She�s armed to the teeth and even sports a accelerator pedal resembling Tony Montana�s �little friend.� Sure.


10:17 p.m.�Extended scene of coast guard firing round of golf after round of ammunition into zombies, while 1 character fights off zombies underwater. At one pointedness she slashes them with a knife. Character wears skintight outfit; where did she keep the tongue?


10:22 p.m.�Flashback of how the zombies got onto the island, which is known as the Island of Death. Begin thinking virtually weekend plans.


10:28 p.m.--Characters weapon themselves (thanks to Captain Kirk�s stash of illegal firearms) in slow motion. Scene doesn�t work because it�s been used way too much, and is best effective as a way to pump up the audience. We don�t know these characters, we don�t caution about these characters, and so pumpitude is non achieved.


10:30 to 10:38 p.m.�A gunplay scene between the zombies and human beings that makes Tarantino�s sword-fighting scene in Kill Bill look like a masterpiece of refinement and transience. Also find more clich�d shots: the bullet shot in slow motion and at least a xII Matrix-style full point and pivot shots. Jump cuts and jittery redaction dominate the tedium.


10:39 p.m.�How did a group of club kids suddenly become expert gun handlers? [Duh! They play the video game House of the Dead! -Ed.] Why in the engagement scene is one of the zombies wearing what appears to be a brand newfangled set of clothes?


10:42 p.m.�Characters get to the house. Four of them work out.


10:45 p.m.�Characters find a lab, which� You experience what picture game they should make into a movie, Spy Hunter. Man, that was a gravid game; it even had a cool soundtrack. [They are. The Rock is in it. 2005. Mark your calendar. -Ed.]


10:49 p.m.�Another clich�d shooting: Characters spring to guard as an explosion goes off behind them. Shot repeated five minutes later.


10:52 p.m.�Head zombi spirit looks to perform experiments on surviving humans. I am reconsidering my Dad�s advice to learn zephyr conditioning amend.


10:54 p.m.�See 10:49 p.m.


10:56 p.m.�Sword fight between female survivor and principal zombie. Female gets stabbed in chest. Male survivor (the teller) cuts off zombie�s head, who continues to fight. Female sees the struggle, gets up, and squishes the cut off head like it�s an oversized gelatin doughnut. I haven�t really ruined anything. No writer, no matter how talented, could trace this scene properly.


10:59 p.m.�The GNI appears to rescue the characters. At this point, I don�t fifty-fifty care what the GNI is. Tagline for the movie is �You won�t even last the nighttime.� They�re right. I barely lasted the movie�s 90 minutes.


The future--You decide not to buy House of the Dead on DVD, missing the deleted scenes, the two comment tracks, and the featurette "Stacked for Zom-bat: The Sexy Babes of House of the Dead Prepare for Battle!"




Swords sponsored by Sega.